User manuals

I was unusually happy today. The sun was out, my month-long cold had finally lifted, and I actually had the energy to write again. Over lunch at Wildseed, one of my favorite vegan restaurants, I found myself wondering why I felt so good. The weather? The food? It took a moment, but the answer was simpler than I expected. I was feeling grateful for my family. My wife had been in India for a few weeks and her absence had quietly left a gap I hadn’t fully registered. Having her home reminded me how fortunate we are.

Close relationships have a powerful influence on our emotional state. Even when most things in life are going well, tension in a single relationship can cast a shadow over everything else. Whether it’s a spouse, friend, or coworker, our closest relationships shape our happiness in ways we often underestimate. It’s a good reminder not to take them for granted.

The best relationships are built on genuine understanding, but even with the people we're closest to, we don't always know how each other truly ticks. One surprisingly effective way to close that gap is with a personal “user manual,” a simple guide that helps others understand how you think, communicate, and operate. I first came across the idea in a Pinkcast episode featuring Abby Falik. The premise is simple. Just like appliances, humans also work better with instructions. While the concept is most often used in professional settings, it can be just as powerful in our personal relationships.

A few years ago on Christmas Eve, after a great dinner in the city, our family found ourselves in a shouting match on the car ride home. Not how I had hoped the evening would end. The next morning, I decided to create a user manual to help us understand each other better and head off the next blowup before it started. The manual answers five simple questions:

1. What gives you energy?

2. What depletes your energy?

3. How can others communicate with you best?

4. What are your pet peeves?

5. What do others misunderstand about you?

After writing mine, I shared it with my family, hoping they would do the same. My daughter was the first to read it. To my surprise, she didn’t know I had a hearing problem. One of my biggest frustrations had been family members assuming I had forgotten something they told me, when I had never heard it in the first place. Reading the manual helped her understand why I sometimes missed things she had said. We both agreed it could improve our relationship.

Since then, our interactions have improved. My daughter is kinder and I’m more patient. Despite the warnings about how difficult 15-year-old daughters can be, I spend more time with her than anyone else. I often joke that she is my favorite daughter.

The user manual has been great for me and my wife. Putting our thoughts on paper made us more aware of our quirks. I now know she hates being reminded to do something, and she knows I hate reminding her. It has also improved how we communicate. Crucial Conversations, recommends that important conversations should be both completely honest and completely respectful. When communication breaks down, we tend to swing between silence and anger. The user manual helps us stay in the honest and respectful zone.

My wife and I were eager to read our children’s manuals. Though we could have guessed many of their answers, seeing their words on paper brought a new level of clarity, along with a few endearing surprises. It was reassuring to realize that we understood them as well as we did. Parenting has become easier as we have a clearer sense of what they appreciate and what frustrates them. The manuals gave our kids a way to share feelings they had never found the words to say out loud.

There is something quietly powerful about putting yourself into words. If you are struggling with a friendship or simply want to bring more understanding to a relationship at home, school, or work, writing a user manual is a good place to start. You may find that the process brings as much clarity to yourself as it does to the people who read it. 

It won't prevent every shouting match. But in our family, it has made them far less common.

Sangeeth Peruri - Jack of Many Trades, Master of None
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